Is that it can give me a perspective on my life. Weird, huh? Yet, it’s true… sometimes I go in and look at the stats and see what posts are getting traffic and I found that something that was really, really, really ancient had gotten some hits.
When I say ancient, it was something I had written over 20 YEARS AGO!!!!
The funny thing is it’s about the ex… there have been other women in the intervening years but no woman has risen to the level of connection or taking up that amount of space in my heart as Madame X (as I call her) did. Sometime around ten years ago, I just stopped trying because I wasn’t in a place where I felt good about myself and didn’t think anyone would be signing up for what I had to offer because I was a hot mess.
I was having trouble finding work, my teeth were truly a mess (thanks to NYU Dental School - NEVER GO TO A DENTAL SCHOOL TO HAVE YOUR TEETH WORKED ON), just overall things were a struggle.
Anyway, before I gave up there were a parade of women… all of them unique in their own way. I’m not talking about people I dated once or went out with a few times either because literally there was a horde of them. I’m talking about women who things went further with. There was one woman who was independently wealthy and owned property on the north fork of Long Island (a house with a barn and an artist’s cottage) as well as a building in the West Village with about 20 apartments and commercial space on the first floor. I actually broke up with her after a few months because she was a nasty piece of work. What was funny was my cousin’s wife asking me did I really have to break up with her showing the difference in people’s priorities.
Then there was the divorcee who was a clothing designer and had an apartment in Brooklyn. She wasn’t really a bad person except she was a little crazy. Mind you, crazy in a woman can be good but we more or less just didn’t work out. She’s up in Boston now I believe.
There was another woman who had come her illegally from one of the Baltic nations. She was a yoga teacher among all the other jobs she had and she did work a TON of different jobs. If there was anyone I took at all seriously it was her the only problem was she had gotten so used to lying to people that she thought everyone around her was stupid. If she had at least been honest about certain things it would have likely gone much further but I simply felt I couldn’t trust her.
Now, the funny thing here is that she helped me after we broke up and I had dropped my Vespa and then on the flip side she had to do something for the guy she wound up marrying and kept asking me questions that I finally told her to give it to me and I did it and then showed her how to alter it if she needed so she would look good to her new beau. I really do like her still, she’s a good person and I’m glad she got things in her life straightened out.
Then there was the porn star. That’s a story in and of itself. We had a bit of a long distance thing going on for awhile and then she came and stayed with me for a short period. I have to say she was the kind of woman that men just couldn’t help themselves when they saw her, she really was that good looking but again… she was a hot mess. She tried to get me to do porn with her but in all honesty I just could not see foisting myself on the public (no one wants to look at me). Certainly it’s a story but sadly she did go off the rails later on. She’s still around but I don’t think she’s doing porn anymore.
Getting back to the topic though… Madame X.
Tonight after seeing the stats I went back and reread that post: I’ve resisted urge to talk out of school.
Here’s the funny thing about it, I REMEMBER FEELING THIS WAY. Now, twenty plus years on when I look back? I’m happy about how I handled things but sad about how things worked out. I can’t say I am happy about the path things took but I do know she’s happy and she’s married and has been married for some time.
Plus, she went into a field which perfectly suited her and which I’m sure she’s good at. She’s moved up in her field so there’s the evidence she’s been successful. I haven’t actually had any contact with her in a long, long, long time. While I will confess to prying about on the internet, she made it crystal clear I was old news. As much as I would like to still be in contact with her, I understand and respect her wishes.
I wonder sometimes what her version of the story is. I get the sense I’m portrayed in very unflattering light because if I wasn’t the villain of the piece that would mean she was the villain and I don’t think she would accept that because a lot of her life was about being a victim and it isn’t to say she lived an easy life but truthfully as rough as her life may have been in comparison to the life I lived, hers was roses and sunshine.
When she left, she left the cat that she bought to the relationship her with me and she even stated she was leaving the cat because she knew that if she had left and taken the cat too I would be totally destroyed and she was right. The cat passed away four years later and that was a huge hurt and I think that was the last time we had any contact as well.
I’ve wondered sometimes about what went on. There were things that came to light afterward that made me question whether I had been smart in trusting her but she has to carry that. Funny thing was the other day I was talking to someone who bought her up and who had a skewed version of things and I made it clear he was off base entirely. To the point where something that had happened after we broke up I put a stop to solely because it just wasn’t a good thing for her.
We don’t have contact but now as so many years have passed I wish we would be able at least to talk civilly but I won’t initiate it simply because I got the message. I know I did the right thing it’s just too bad really.
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